Saturday, January 5, 2008

Time is Not on My Side or "Why Do I Have to Sleep?"

This whole sleeping thing is really getting in my way.

I thought I had plenty of time to go to the courthouse, get a lot of pictures taken, work on my business files (after going to Staples to get some supplies I need), knit, file, blog, blah blah blah. What have I gotten accomplished?

Nothing.

Well, that's not entirely true. I'm working on the blog and knit a couple of rounds. I also opened up two shipments I just received for the shop.

Whoopie do.

I stayed up until 2:00 p.m. today (you read that right - I didn't go to bed at all) thinking that I would get a ton of stuff done. It didn't quite work out that way. The computer was turned off for a considerable amount of time because we were having, of all things, thunderstorms with a lot of lightning - highly unusual for my area. Once the computer came back up, what did I do? I played a game for a while to relax. Then I went and sat in the Monster to knit. Unfortunately, I fell asleep while knitting (what else is new?) and didn't get shit done on the sock. The deadline is looming, too. I have to really crank on them (these are the infamous socks that are now on their sixth incarnation).

So I came up with this brilliant idea in my little pea brain. I was going to go to bed at noon, get a few hours sleep, and then get up and go to Staples so I could get the supplies I need to work on my files. No problem, right?

Big problem.

I didn't hit the sack until 2:00 p.m., like I said. I was busy catching up on e-mail, and I wanted to get it done before I retired. I asked Hubster to get me up at 4:00 p.m., which would give me plenty of time to shower and get dressed, since Staples closed at 7:00 p.m. It didn't work. He couldn't wake me up (oh, the power of piggybacking three doses of drugs) until 5:00 p.m. It took me an hour to shake off the sleep. By that time, it was far too late to get ready and go to the store. Since we're leaving for Folsom tomorrow, we have to stop there on the way (that is, if we get out of here on time). Otherwise, we'll stop on the way home Monday, along with stopping at the mail center so I can get a gift packed and mailed. All my paperwork is neatly stacked and ready to file; I need inserts for the Pendaflex folders, labels for the inserts, and new pens. That means I'll be working on them come Monday night and doing my photography on Tuesday when there's some light outside. That also means I won't have yarny goodness for you or yarn reviews until Tuesday, either.

As for the courthouse, we were hit with one of the worst storms the Bay Area has had in years, and the talking heads were asking people to stay off the bridges and freeways unless absolutely necessary. Since I have time to get this paperwork through the mill, we stayed inside. I can't even remember what I worked on. I know it was computer work - most likely, it was e-mails. Hubster came up with the brilliant idea of him going to the courthouse on Monday while I'm in the prison and walking the papers through instead of just sitting in the truck or room waiting for me. I had him call to make sure that he can go to a courthouse in another county, and they said he could. But you know how these things work. He'll get there and be told that he has to go to Alameda County, or else they'll tell him that he doesn't look like me (even with a wig on) and deny the application. I'm gearing up for a trip to the courthouse on the way home Monday, too. ARGH.

But even with everything that's happening (and it's beginning to happen very quickly now), I love working on the business. It's given me a focus, something which I was lacking for a very long time. I don't like working, but I love doing this. Even though it's working, it isn't, if that makes any sense. It's my baby, something that I thought up and have nurtured through all its various stages. Now that I'm entering the home stretch, it's like the final preparations for a huge dinner party - everything has to be done at the last minute and they have to time out perfectly. It's the way this is going. I have to get all my pictures taken in the best possible light, get them on the website, label everything (that's something else I need to buy at the store), get my records for everything put into place, blah blah blah. It's exhilarating. It's exciting. It's... time consuming.

So that's why this sleep thing is getting in the way. Think of how many hours I'd have if I didn't have to sleep!

Unfortunately, I witnessed what sleep deprivation does firsthand with my ex-husband. He had some mental problems - anxiety, depression - and was also an alcoholic. The Christmas before we were to get married, he wanted to spend Christmas with me, but family obligations were tugging him in the opposite direction. So he drank a lot and didn't sleep. By the time I put him on the plane bound for Denver, he hadn't slept for four days (which I didn't know - we didn't live together). When he got back to his parents' home, he was beginning to exhibit signs of sheer exhaustion and craziness. When you don't sleep for that long, you begin to not need it. Or so your brain thinks. By Day 7, he thought the fish in the fish tank were giving him messages from the Maharishi (he did TM and was at an advanced level). He thought the furniture was talking to him. He was afraid of the phone and ranted and raved and did all the things crazy people do. So his parents put him in a nuthouse in the nearest large town, where they shot him up with Haldol. He slept for three days straight. Before he was stuck in the hospital, his mother called me and demanded to know what drugs he was on. Then John got on the phone. He was in his own world, but a tiny bit of him remained, enough to know who I was. It was so sad, and I couldn't do anything to help him. When I talked to him in the hospital after he woke up, he sounded so tired and sad and like such a little boy that my heart broke. It was truly horrible. So I know I need to sleep, and I need to sleep a whole lot more than I am. Getting a couple of hours here and there won't cut it. I need a solid eight hours straight through with no interruptions. I don't see that happening for a while, though.

And so I plod along, doing the best I can, getting done what I can, trying to remain calm and happy and not worry. I really want to open on time, but I'm at the mercy of my vendors right now. Some of them haven't written back to me yet; some haven't confirmed that their orders are being shipped; a few haven't even bothered to tell me whether or not they're going to work with me. It's frustrating and a little frightening. I carefully selected these people, and if they don't write back, there's not a lot I can do other than try to find other people who want to sell through me and whose work I admire. There have been disappointments with vendors who can't work with me, even though they said they would. There were others whom I wanted, but who can't do it for whatever reason. It's life, and I need to roll with the punches.

So if I start getting messages from the microwave, you'll understand.

3 comments:

Shelly Kang said...

Hi, I know I'm being forward and that I don't know all about your situation from having read your blog for only a few months. But every time I read one of your entries, I think the same thing to myself, and so I want to suggest it to you gently and hope that I don't hurt your feelings too much by doing so.

It seems to me that you are in a vicious cycle with the whole sleep thing. Our bodies are not meant to sleep all day and stay up all night. I wish you would just try going to bed at a decent hour for a couple weeks in a row - say 10 or 11 at night - and go ahead and take your sleep medications so you get a good night's sleep. I know all those sleep medications have dire warnings on them about only taking them when you have a good 8 or more hours to devote to sleep.

I have never been in your situation, so I know I am only guessing. But if you could just make a committment to *try* it for just a couple weeks - force yourself into a schedule that matches what our bodies are meant to do - maybe just maybe a lot of things in your life would improve. You'd probably feel less depressed, you'd be more productive in your waking hours, you'd be seeing the sun a lot more and that always perks me up!

I'm sorry for telling you what you, I'm sure, already know. But sometimes in my past, having the blatantly obvious pointed out to me by a concerned stranger/friend/acquaintance has given me a jolt of reality that I've needed.

Also, I'd love to see more pictures of your finished object and/or works in progress! The yarn you're collecting is beautiful, but I bet you're making some nice things with it too.

And, by the way, I think the work you're doing at Folsom is awesome. Keep it up!

Pam the Yarn Goddess said...

Thank you, Shelly. You're not being forward,nor have you hurt my feelings. I sent you an e-mail telling you exactly what is wrong with me and why the usual things don't work. I hope that what I sent explains it all to you.

Thank you for caring, though. It's people like you who make writing this blog worthwhile. :)

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