Thursday, May 1, 2008

Bad News

Since I barf out my life on this blog and don't care who sees it, I received some news today that has had me in a tizzy all evening. I've done nothing but sit, stare, cry, read blogs, write emails, and not much else. I've had Hubster call my mother; otherwise, nobody knows yet. But now you will.

You all know that I had my blood tested yesterday. The results came in today, and my doctor's office called this afternoon.

The mundane news is that my thyroid meds are way too low and need to be adjusted. That would account for the weight gain.

Then there was the other news.

(deep breath)

I am a diabetic.


I've said it and haven't dropped dead.

Just in time for my 50th birthday, too. I can just imagine what my boys will do when they hear this tidbit of happiness.

I'm not at the insulin stage, but I'm teetering on the Type I/Type II fence. Exercise more, she said. Eat less and lose weight, she said. Do this, do that, stand on your head and flash the world, she said.

The only way I can exercise is to swim. We all know that where I live, it doesn't get hot enough to swim unless the pool is heated, and mine isn't.

I live on sandwiches as it is. If I ate any less, I would die. I realize that the less you eat, the more your body thinks it's starving and the slower your metabolism gets in order to conserve energy. But there's also that little problem of having a dead thyroid, so my weight isn't merely a function of what I eat or don't eat - it's a function of how accurate my meds are. And since they're insufficient, I could swim the English Channel right now and all I'd get from it are titsicles.

Speaking of tits, I also have to go for my yearly mammo torture. I've got a large lump in one breast which they've been watching. The minute it changes size, shape, or mass, they'll make me walk down the hall in one of those stupid gowns that are designed for stick women, lay on my tummy on this table with a hole in it for your boobles to hang down through, stick a large needle full of anesthetic right in the tumor, and do a biopsy. I won't know the results for about a week, and then they'll send me a letter saying that I have to come back. That's if it's bad news. I've already received one of those letters, and it was one of the longest three weeks I've had to live through.

I've been reading posts from women who are about to turn 40 and how they're dreading it. Rightly so. I was afraid of my 40th, and birthdays have never bothered me before. I was actually excited about my 50th. In my culture, I will now be an elder, a position which is venerated and powerful.

But I don't feel powerful right now.

I feel very, very scared.


Laura Neal said...

Oh Pam, I am sorry to hear that you have diabetes. Take care of your feet since diabetics have the worst trouble with that and their legs. I know that you didn't need that on top of everything else you have going on.
If you need anything, let me know.

Bezzie said...

Don't take this the wrong way (some people get upset when I make the comparison) but you remind me EXACTLY of what my mom went thru right around her 50th birthday last year. She got the diabetes, thyroid deficiency AND breast cancer diagnosis all in one fell swoop!

I felt really bad for her at first, and she was pretty upset about it in the beginning too. But you know what? Now, a year later, it's not the horrible diagnosis she once thought it was. Granted she had a trying time with some dickhead doctor, but she finally found a good one and she's living a "normal" life. (Hee hee in quotes because who's "normal"???)

Hang in there!

Syd said...

I know it sounds strange, but it is good that your means your listening to what is happening....The fact that your not firmly in type 2 is really good news! The crappy thing is that you have to change things...we all hates that! Your not have a lot of people who love you and are praying for you in our own ways...This is a part of your becoming an elder, little different for each of us. The journey is not easy, but babycakes, it is sooooo worth it! And bezzie is right, the first news is always devistating, then we learn how to live while healing. Have a good cry, cuss out the furniture, get a good rest and know your loved.

SwissKnits! said...

Oh Dear...
I'm sorry the bad news, Pam. I will be sending up prayers for you.
I don't know what else to say...

Oriri said...

Oh, good thoughts and huge, monster virtual hugs being sent your way, Pam. <3 <3

Marin (AntiM) said...

You can be scared. But we're here with you, so you don't have to be scared alone.