Friday, April 11, 2008

Sometimes, I Just Feel Like Hiding in the Closet


What a week this has been.

Chewed up packages, torn labels (both courtesy of the post office), over 30 orders to fill, the Flat Feet frenzy - I feel like I've been stuck into one of those rides which spin around so fast that you're plastered against the wall and can't move. There's so much to do that I almost feel paralyzed. It's wonderful that so many people have shopped with me (thank you!!), but I'm slower than what I wanted to be in filling the orders. Please bear with me - I've slept pretty much nonstop for the past two days because my body gave out again, but I'm raring to go today. Hubster is out buying me new wrapping supplies as we speak; as soon as he gets home, I'll be packing.

On knitting news, I've begun knitting my Monkey Swap socks with Posh yarn. I've got a lot of it in my stash, but this one had to be special. I was lucky enough to find a colorway which contained all the colors my pal wanted. It's knitting up beautifully, too - the colors are dancing around each other instead of doing boring stripes. I didn't realize it's a cabled yarn, which is really nice to knit with. There's no halo around the finished knitting, and it forms perfect stitches. The cashmere is a nice touch, too. I would have knitted them out of pure cashmere or camel, but the durability factor would have been in the crapper. I want these socks to wear well, and just from the construction of the yarn, they should wear like iron. I'll post a picture when one of them is done. They're going fast, too - could it be because I've knitted this pattern so many times in the past and could probably do it in my sleep? I don't know - I've fallen asleep with my knitting in my hand at least 10 times in the past few days, so I must be knitting in my sleep.

Oh geez - I've got Steve (he of Jerry Springer fame) on TV, and he's yelling at some loser who walks around the house naked in front of his 14 year old daughter and masturbates. Egads. I've got nothing against masturbating, but doing it while you're walking around the house with a beer in one hand and doing it in front of your child? This fool should have his tool cut off and stuffed up his ass. That poor kid. She needs a family who loves her and doesn't walk around in the nudie rudie in front of her. I also have nothing against being nude - I do it all the time - but NOT in front of kids. Holy shit. I consider this type of TV educational.

I realize that this post is really disjointed - I feel like I'm out of my body today - so please bear with me. I'm trying to think of what's happened since I last spoke to you all.

I got some really cool shit in the mail. One of them was a swap gift from Tara for the Cancer Birthday swap. I'm not telling you what I got - I'll take pictures of it tomorrow - but suffice it to say that we had a spending limit, and she did a fantastic job of selecting gifts for me. One of them (I'll tell you this one) was a new set of Golding DPN's. I'm in heaven. I've got a special pattern and an equally special yarn which is begging to be cast on. That's my reward for filling all my orders - I get to cast on socks for myself. What a concept! You'll see the other cool stuff she sent tomorrow. The rest of this stuff are things I bought for myself. I got a bunch of yarn (pictures of them are forthcoming); the book "The Principles of Knitting" (I bought it off Amazon and paid dearly for it - it's out of print, but TKGA recommends it for the Masters program; what kills me is that I had it and it got ruined in a box in my garage); the update for my Mac to bring the operating system up to Leopard; an equally cool thing made by FileMaker called "Bento" (it's a personal organizing system that's also good for small businesses - spread sheets, contact listings, places to put appointments and events, etc.); a custom pouch for my purse to hold all the small stuff which falls to the bottom of the beast, never to be found again (it's leather and has the winged heart on it, along with crystal studs to hold it all together); a bunch of new sock patterns; and a bunch of other stuff which I can't remember. I think I've spent too much money lately. Oops. Hubster will be pissed. Speaking of him, he just got home with my loot. Now I can start wrapping all the orders.

Monday is prison day, so you all know what that means. I actually got ahold of the chaplain; he's going to meet me at the gate so I can ride in. I got all the new flutes for my boys, and I can't carry them in (I think I already told you that part). This way, I can just stick the box in the back of the golf cart and not have to walk. I'm going to have to talk to him about my trek inside; I can't walk in the heat, and it's coming soon. Either he's going to have to pick me up or have someone else do it. Sigh. I hate being ill.

I'm having lunch next week with Karen of KaratStix (we're friends, and what a delightful lady she is!), and then we're going to Article Pract to get into trouble. They're having a 25% off sale on their bags, so I KNOW I'll get in a lot more trouble than I would like. I just can't resist knitting bags, and if this one particular one is there, I know I'll buy it. It's made from a hand-punched rug-like fabric and is just gorgeous. They also have some killer sock yarn which I probably won't be able to resist, either. Karen is no help; we both enable each other. This will be the first time in ages I've gotten out of the house to have lunch with a friend. I was supposed to meet a prospective vendor for coffee a few weeks ago, but I was up all night and got no sleep, so I had to cancel. I'm not canceling this one - I really want to see Karen. Besides, she may have new things for the shop. :)

I don't have any funny stories for you, and nothing really exciting has happened - I've just been feeling out of sorts and not quite myself. I had a bad night last night (when I was awake, that is) - the Apple stuff I got was from the Apple plant which wasn't far from my old house. It triggered a lot of memories, and I finally told Hubster what's been bothering me - I wanted to go home, I wanted my house back, I wanted what was lost and will never be returned. I wanted my Corvette back, I wanted my pool, I wanted... a deep, searing pain that consumes me when it rears it's ugly head. I miss my friends from back there, I miss turning mahogany in the summer, I miss the cool tile under my feet and the soft carpet, I miss my kitchen, I miss, I miss, I miss - and it's tearing me apart. I guess seeing a therapist didn't help me as much as I thought. While it's nice to be back in the Bay Area and close to my family, I want to be back in my old location. The other thing that pisses me off is that houses are now so available and affordable, and we could have bought one with the equity money we received - but all that is now gone. Most of it went to paying off bills, $33K went to paying for a year's rent, and I got my ring (I had to have something to mark this new phase in my life). I'll become an Elder in June, and I thought for sure that I would be settled in my home. I'm not. We haven't even received the lease for the upcoming year for this place, and that scares me. Hubster wants to clean the house before he calls the landlord in case he wants to come over, and I agree with him - but I don't have any desire to clean this shithole. I know there are many people who are in worse shape than me, but I can't even begin to think of anybody but myself when the depression hits. I'm a sorry sack of shit right now, and I know it. We're arguing a lot, and I don't know if I'm the cause of it or not. I know we'll get through this like we've gotten through every other bad thing that's happened to us, but knowing that the housing market is going to get better scares the shit out of me. Our credit is slowly getting better, but we don't have the money for a down payment. I'm also scared to talk to our landlord about houses the bank might be holding - he might not extend a lease to us. I really think we need to talk to a realtor, but Hubster doesn't want to do it right now. He always wants to wait, but if we haven't done it in six months, I'm going to insist. This may be the only chance for us to get back into a house. I know it won't be like my last one (and that's probably a good thing, although I loved the setting and the acreage); I just need and want my own house again. Fuck.

I'm sorry. I'm rambling and disjointed. I think it's time to knit, watch Steve and Jerry, and then have a cup of coffee and work on the order filling. I won't have it ready for today's mail, but we can take it all to the post office tomorrow.

I hope you all have a lovely weekend and do something wonderful. We're going to San Francisco tomorrow; maybe I can talk Hubster into taking a cruise on the bay. Then I can relive my childhood.

Back when I was happy.


Bezzie said...

Hope you feel "jointed" again soon!!!

I hear you about the miss, miss, miss. I miss my AK like that. I'm a little afraid to go back though--because I'm afraid it won't be what I remember!

Pam the Yarn Goddess said...

You know, the memories are rarely the reality. If I sit and think about it, the only really fantastic thing to happen in that house was the birth of my grands, but it was still my dream home, and I loved it.

Syd said...

Oh Pam, I wish I could hug you right now, rub your back and help you wrap yarn! Try not to wait the 6 months...go on your feelings...I think you are in touch with the situation as it hubby always wants to wait, and it is a different way of handling fear, I want to run up and face it and challenge it, and he wants it to fade away...How about we push the shop harder...get it to bring you the down payment for your second dream home! I am going to the shop and buy something right now! Sending you lots of love.