It's My Birthday... and I'm Bored

Yep. I made another one. Today is my 52nd birthday.

I think I've mentioned this before, but I so miss the birthdays of my youth. Since it falls almost exactly six months to the day from Christmas, I have two major holidays evenly spaced out. I miss the parties, all the family and friends coming over, pool parties, presents... all the shit that kids and younger people get. Then something happens when you hit your twenties. Birthdays begin to lose the significance they once had. I actually threw myself a 30th birthday party with about 50 people - Grandpa had just come home from the hospital, and I wanted to celebrate. Anyway, this downhill slide continues until, when you hit my age, nobody gives a rat's ass anymore. It makes it worse that my family is up north and Hubster and I (and Emma) are down here in the boonies. So what does that mean?

It means that I'll take a nap this afternoon, knit on some socks, and go gambling at an Indian casino tonight. I'd much rather go to Vegas (it's only four hours away), but we just can't afford it. That's the other shitty thing about birthdays now. We can't afford to do anything other than grab a Fatburger and drop about $50 in a slot machine. Sigh. I'm really trying to not get depressed like I do every year.

The good news is that we're leaving Saturday for the Bay Area and bringing the kids home with us. They'll be with us for a week, and we can't wait to have them. I'm sure I'll be totally wiped out, but I don't care. I miss them so much, and we're really looking forward to doing some fun things with them. We also have all this land that they can run around on, a trampoline to bounce on, and a cute downtown where they can get an ice cream at an old-fashioned parlor. I think they'll have a ball. Then it's back up to the Bay Area and testifying in court against the child.

Speaking of the child, she's on a campaign to get back in our good graces. She sent me a birthday card and Hubster a Father's Day card. She speaks of wanting to make up with us, to forget the past and get on with the future, to be a family again. I wish that were true, that it wasn't a scam on her part to get us on her side right before we go to court. But I know she has an agenda, and we can't buy into it. It really hurts me that it's come to this. I had such dreams when she was little, such hopes for having a friend when she grew up, dreaming of talking with her about boys and the other kinds of things young women talk to their mothers about. I had fantasies of us being close and talking every day. Instead, we got a child who hates us and only wants us to talk to her so we might not testify against her. I can't do it. I have the kids to think about. Amber is 32 years old and capable of taking care of herself. Our kids are six and deserve a happy childhood. They were interviewed by a social worker last week and told the lady that they don't want to stay over at their mother's house, that she doesn't take care of them, that she spends all her time with her crackhead boyfriend. I pray that my mother gets permanent custody of them, because if she doesn't, Amber will take the kids and won't let any of us see them. It's really stressful, and I can't wait until it's over. We have to go to court in Berkeley, so we'll be up there for a few days. Then it's back home to the heat. Argh.

I've been flip-flopping between sock projects lately... when I'm awake, that is. It seems that all I do is sleep. When I am awake, I've been working on a really cool pair called... uh... "Fishbone Gansey". It's by Knitspot and has highly detailed designs until you hit mid-calf where the design changes over to a K3 P1 rib. You do that until you get down to the heel flap, and the rest of the sock stays in that pattern. I'm going to do an Eye of Partridge heel because I think the design will compliment the rest of the sock. This is the pair I'm using The Sanguine Gryphon's Bugga for. That yarn is really lovely to knit with and shows off stitch definition beautifully. I've got two other skeins of it in a different colorway, but I'm not sure which pattern to use it for. It's got greens, browns, golds, reds, etc., in it and is on the dark side. Gorgeous.

We're not taking Emma with us on this trip because of the kids. She'll also be boarded when we take them back because we can't leave her in her carrier all day while we're in court. Grandma can't handle her (Emma is now over 50 pounds), so we think it's better to leave her with her groomer for a few days. Besides, she loves it over there. It gives her a chance to see all her doggie friends.

I'm getting sleepy again, so it's off to nap before I have to shower and get ready for tonight. It doesn't feel like my birthday, but maybe going out with Hubster instead of just snoozing in my chair will help. Please don't think i'm not grateful, because I am.

I'm still alive.