Saturday, March 29, 2008

Pointy Needles are Dangerous

I've officially done it. I've deserted my circulars and knitting two socks at once, and have taken up with DPN's. I know... it's a sad day indeed. While I've flirted with DPN's and used them from time to time, I'm now using them exclusively. Why? Because I wanted to do a pattern which wasn't written for the two socks/two circ method and was too lazy to do the conversion. Fortunately, I had a set of DPN's which included the size I needed.

As is so typical of me, I couldn't use just any DPN. It couldn't be bamboo (I hate bamboo), it couldn't be steel (they're too heavy and shoot right out of the stitches - don't ask), and had to be sharp and fast. I finally found the perfect DPN. They're made by Golding Fiber Tools (they of the gorgeous spinning wheels and looms) out of black walnut. You have your choice of two different points (sharp or blunt) and two different finishes (slick and matte). I opted for the sharp and slick. They're kind of like the cars I favor - fast, smooth, and exotic.

The first set I received was wonderful. The socks flew off them (in a good way). The ends are pointy - pointy to the extent that they poke a hole in your finger if you're a pusher (which I am). The finish is fantastic - slick and smooth. Then I ran into a problem. My yarn was hanging up on one of the needles. I inspected it. Sure enough, a chunk of wood had risen from the needle; it looked like someone took a knife and inserted it at an angle. So I wrote to Golding and asked them for another set, explaining why I was ordering another one so soon. They were kind enough to send me a new needle at no charge. They won my loyalty with that simple gesture.

So yesterday, I was sitting there working on a swap sock (yes, I'm still working on the fucker), when the urge to pee hit with a vengeance. Getting out of the Monster takes some doing - I put my huge binder with all my sock patterns (yes, I do Xerox the patterns so I don't have to use the binder, but I hadn't done it yet), my ashtray, my ciggies and lighter, and any other things I happen to need on the footrest, so all that has to be removed before I can swing the footrest down and fall out of the thing. I yelled "PEE!" (Hubster knows he has to move fast when I do that), he gathered up all my shit, I swung down the footrest, fell out of the Monster because my legs had gone to sleep, hobbled as fast as I could to the bathroom, managed to get my jammie bottoms down, and did my business. After washing up, I came back to the Monster to resume my work.

Sounds perfectly innocent, right? It would be for most people, but I'm not most people. You see, I had stuck the spare needle in the ball of yarn and put the sock over it so it stood up straight - sort of like a boner with a cock sock on it - and decided that I could sit down without picking it up because the yarn was off to the side. I carefully lowered my big lard ass into the Monster and tucked my legs under me so I could sit comfortably. That works 99% of the time. This was that 1% that it didn't work, though. You see what's coming.

As I sat, the crater my ass formed in the seat of the chair caused the ball of yarn to roll inward. It didn't just roll inward, it rolled so that the needle was sticking straight up. Just as it came to rest, my ass came to rest on the upright needle. I sat down on that pointy little stick with my full weight. The needle shot straight into my ass. OWWWWWWWW.

I got up, fearfully pulled the needle out (it went in my cheek, thank goodness; otherwise, I'd have a crack and a half), and to my surprise, it wasn't broken. Then I inspected the other four needles. Oh shit. One of them had snapped in half, and my stitches were in danger of coming off. It was a complicated pattern, so I really didn't want to try and pick up the stitches in the correct orientation. So I carefully moved the stitches off the broken halves (no small task, I assure you), got a huge splinter in my finger (I HATE splinters), and sadly looked at my destroyed needle. Sigh. Off to the computer I went to order two more sets of needles in size 1. I figured I'd better get two in case I sat on another set. Thankfully, I had another set laying around, so I was able to continue knitting.

Hubster went to sleep around 5 a.m., but I wasn't tired yet. I had taken a break to work on the shop and decided to take my pills, knit a little more, and then go to bed. I sat there knitting away when an edge stitch (I'm on the heel flap) shot off the needle and the yarn flew out of it. I have one of those little crochet hooks I sell and used that to fix the problem. Those things are a lifesaver in more ways than one. I was merrily knitting along when I heard:

"Good Morning!!! I have packages for you!!!"

It was Art, the Yarn Fairy, holding an armload of boxes for the shop. I had fallen asleep hours before.

Of course, I was wedged in the Monster, drooling on my jammies (I have on my snowman ones), holding my knitting, my head leaning over and resting on my shoulder an inch from the points of my embroidery scissors, and looking as glamorous as a 90 year old woman in pasties. I straightened up immediately, sending all my stuff flying, and yelled for Hubster to open the door. Fortunately, he's got it programmed in his head that when I yell hi to the Yarn Fairy, that's his cue to jump up and open the door. I said good morning to the Yarn Fairy, picked up all my shit, and looked at the packages that Hubster placed on the footrest.

I'm happy to say that one of the packages was from Australia. I'm carrying a new vendor from there who calls her business "Jolly Jumbuck". It won't go in this update, but it should be in the next one. There was also a package from British Columbia. Happy day!

So now I have to get ready to go see the grands, do stuff to get ready for prison day, work on the shop update (I'm not saying when it will hit because I'm always late), write a newsletter, work on my files, and try to fit in some more knitting between all that. I've not been well this week, so doing things has been an effort. I missed last week at the prison, though, so I have to go this week.

At least it's not sunny out. I don't like the sun and delight in gray, gloomy days. I also got a new battery yesterday in my 2002 T-Bird (which is like the third one that's gone dead because I don't drive it - I have 4,000 miles on the thing), so I took that out for a spin around the neighborhood. At least I know I can still drive.

Even if it is with another hole in my ass.

7 comments:

Syd said...

Oh Crap! Ouch!!! But gotta admit, I am impressed with those needles! Hope the trip to Folsom is OK on a sore bottom...thank heavens it was the cheek! Heal quickly, Pam.

Laura Neal said...

Woman, do you have a black cloud following you around? I think you do. Have fun at the prison.

Marin (AntiM) said...

OK, you know I wish you the best in all your misadventures, but my curiosity drives me to ask the obvious question (for me): what pattern do you need to translate in order to do it on circs instead of DPNs?

Rachel said...

Yikes! Take it from someone who has 4 identical size 0 puncture scars on each thigh, clean it with peroxide and alcohol!

Mia said...

Too funny. That would so happen to me :) And you weren't kidding.. you really DO stay up all night!

Sandy said...

Ouch! Hope the grands make you feel better.

anisaguine said...

Oh dear. You're like me. I stepped on a pin cushion once for no reason other than it was in the middle of the floor and drove a yarn sewing needle through my foot. Only there wasn't anyone else in the house to listen to my screaming. The stinging will go away eventually. And you now have 4 extra needles in case you break any needles from those other two sets you're ordering.

That package from British Columbia was from MEEEEEE!!! Yes, me! Do you like it?