Mr. Goddess is no longer Mr. Goddess. Hr. Goddess is gone.
You read that right. Mark left me.
One fine evening a year ago in June, he got up from his computer and announced that he wanted out of our marriage. Then he spent the next three hours telling me what a piece of shit I was, how I had ruined his life, how he had given me everything and I still wasn't happy, how he had only slept with two other women besides me (WTF? Snatch is snatch.), blah blah blah. Then he left for a few days to "think it over" - and over my birthday, I might add. He came home that Sunday and, on June 26th, a Tuesday, he packed a few clothes in his computer bag, kissed and hugged me, and left for work. A day like any other day, except that on this day, he didn't come home, nor did he come home ever again. The last time I saw him was last October in court, and he looked so bad that my cousin had to point him out to me. I still didn't recognize him. He said to me that we "were over", yet he hugged me good-bye like his life depended on it. I think he's afraid that if he talks to me, he'll "weaken" and want to come home, even after all this time.
My doctor put me on suicide watch because I got so depressed. Mark refused to speak to me, even though he wanted to settle all this between us and be amicable. I got myself an attorney because he said on the papers he filed that he would be responsible for her bill, yet he won't pay it. I lost her because I couldn't afford the bill. Why isn't the court making him pay it? Even though he left everything to me, the truck he left me with is a piece of shit which will cost more to repair than it's worth and no washer or dryer to do laundry. So, for about 10 months, all I had for transportation was my medical scooter, which gets a whopping seven miles per charge. I did my laundry by hand. Even though my next-door neighbor and best friend let me use her truck to go shopping and her washer/dryer to do laundry, I didn't want to take advantage of her. It took me almost a year, but I saved enough money to buy a washer and dryer, as well as a handicapped van so I can take my scooter with me to things like Stitches. Even though the van is old (it was made the year we were married - how ironic), it looks great, runs like a top, and the upholstery looks new. It has about $20K in handicapped junk on it - at the flick of a switch, the door opens, the van lowers to the ground, and a ramp unfolds out so you can drive your scooter or wheelchair into the van. Hit the switch in the reverse direction, and everything closes up, along with the van rising back to normal height. The lady I bought it from had purchased it for her father but he died unexpectedly, so she just wanted to find a good home for it where someone really needed it. All I paid for it was $4K. We've become good friends, and I often go to her ranch to go horseback riding (I have my own personal horse, "Dolly"). I thank her every time I climb into that van. It's such a blessing.
Even though I'm far from the only woman to go through this, when you're in the middle of it, it feels like you're the only one. Loneliness is a physical pain. Sometimes, I'll wake up, confused, and call out for him. Then when I realize that he's not here, the pain hits again. It's horrible. Now he's barely talking to me - only through email - and wants to work it out without court. I know why - I think he's realized that if we go to court, I'll take him to the cleaners But I'm playing along for the time being. My doctor - and everyone who knows him - are shocked by his behavior and are convinced that he's been off his meds for a very long time. There's no other explanation. He won't even speak to our grands, and he adores them; they think (or thought, because now he's just another person who abandoned them), that the sun rose and set on his head. Since I haven't heard from him in a while, I'm hoping he's reconsidering all this. Yes, I still want him back. The thought of spending the rest of my like this is unbearable. We'll have to go through a lot of counseling first, though. So that's it in a nutshell.
Then something remarkable happened last week. I had joined LinkedIn a while back and forgot all about it. Then I got an invitation to join someone's circle. I checked it out and became more active in it. As a result, I got an email from a lady who has a client who needs someone to design and create a dress for her summer line (she's opening an upscale gallery in Los Angeles). I got in touch with the lady and, after interviewing several people, she asked me if I would take the job. I'm thrilled. Not only am I the sole designer/creator/jack of all trades, when she has the gallery opening, I'll be like a guest of honor. It's very exciting and scary. We're in the process of getting the right yarn and lining right now. When it's done and after she's taken it (and some others we'll do) to a wholesale show to get orders, I'll post a picture of it. So now I'm a designer and true professional knitter (even though this is crocheted).
That's enough for this letter. I'm tired - I tend to sleep a lot these days - and need to save some things for my next post.
I'm back.
